Ok, there are several unwritten rules that need to be understood before venturing out onto the freeways of LA. First rule is: Don’t drive the freeways if you are a crappy driver. You put yourself and everyone around you in danger. If you are the type of person who comes to a stop and puts your car in reverse because you missed a turn-off, stay off the freeways. If you drive under 55 mph, stay off the freeways. There are 4-basic lanes and sometimes a carpool lane that all have there own purpose. The lane to the far right is the SLOW lane and is also known as the LAME lane. If you think 55 is the maximum you can drive, stay in this lane. If you can barely see over the steering wheel, are learning to drive, driving a car so messed up it can barely reach 55, or are from out-of-state and have never been on a freeway, this is your lane. If you are a good to great driver, stay OUT of this lane and leave it for the unworthy. If you are a FAST driver and are in this lane you cannot honk your horn at slower drivers, this is their lane, leave them alone, they will generally screw-up on their own.  I know you have to get on and off the freeway by using this lane, but do it quickly or you may run up the back of a driver doing 45 mph. The far right lane should be thought of as the SPECIAL NEEDS lane. The drivers here should be wearing helmets. The next lane over, second to the right, is Truckers Alley. The semis own this lane and it is best to pass thru this lane as swift as possible or your stuck staring at mud guards with naked ladies and sandwiched between two angry truckers with the one behind you climbing up your ass. You also have no visibility as the truck in front of you blocks out any sunlight. You may also get stuck behind a open semi carrying dirt and pebbles which inevitably fly out of the truck onto your hood and windshield. This really pisses me off… they have to know their load is getting sprayed over all the cars behind them.The trucks are also terribly noisy and it often feels like you can be sucked under one…very bad lane, get out quick. Now that you have made it thru the dorks and truckers you now have made it to the normal lane, third from right lane. People in this lane drive to work everyday on the freeway, know all the basics like using a signal when changing lanes and keeping up with the flow speed-wise, usually 60-70 mph. It’s a safe lane with no need for sudden freak-outs like exiting or merging. The far right laners like to sometimes venture out to the normal drivers lane, so it is perfectly legal to climb up their ass and let them know they are going too slow and get back to the far right asap. You can also honk at them if they are going 55 or under…just hope they make it through truckers alley or you may feel guilty if they get accordioned (nw) between two trucks. Biggest problem with this lane is that driver’s are so tired and bored of driving to work and back they develop bad habits like falling asleep, not paying attention to the driver in front of them until they are in the person’s trunk, texting, and drinking coffee which eventually spills on them so they take eyes off road to wipe up. Putting on make-up while driving on a freeway is the worst but I must admit it takes talent. Just look at the faces of people driving in this lane and it is one emotionless stare as if they are being herded to work and back. It is uncool to honk at others in this lane, unless they’ve fallen asleep, or cars from the two adjacent lanes have drifted into yours. Then there is the fast lane. This lane is for the drivers who are in a hurry, have super-cool sports cars, or just like to go fast. The minimum speed limit here is 70 mph and 80 is acceptable. In a perfect world there would be no speed limit for the fast lane, any car going slower than the car approaching it would have to pull over to a slower lane and let the faster car pass…always. You must be a excellent driver to use this lane and I think we should have a special decal on our back drivers license plate to prove who is capable of using the fast lane. Horns in this lane are legit, particularly if a driver feels like 60 mph is the correct speed for the fast lane…keep your hand on horn until driver relents and moves over. Drivers in this lane also must accept responsibility of being a fast driver, no texting, talking on phone, not paying attention or you will re-enact Paul Walker’s fate. Your only move in case of trouble is to pull onto the  freeway shoulder to the left (hopefully there is one), you cannot interfere with drivers to the right. It’s the price you pay for unlimited speed. Car Pool Lanes – Great idea but I don’t know of anyone who carpools specifically to use this lane. The idea of this lane is to go faster than the other 4-lanes with more than 1-person in the car, so don’t get in car-pool lane and go 50mph, it kills the whole idea. It is also acceptable to drive solo in this lane if your a gambler, the fine for getting caught is currently $481.00, a big gamble. I have tried it once or twice but I feel like a felon and get neck aches from looking for cops. In my opinion, not worth it. These are the basic rules of LA freeway driving that you didn’t learn at school…SLOW-RIGHT, FAST-LEFT, no exceptions. ALSO – Do not get in a physical altercation on the road as some psycho could have a gun or steel pipe ready and in 10-minutes you’ll forget about it anyway. It just isn’t worth it…keep ego in check and your middle finger down.


4 thoughts on “DRIVING LA FREEWAYS

  1. All San Francisco drivers need helmets and must be required to drive in the far right lane (unless they were raised in LA), they are the worst. It is the thing that pisses me off most about this city.

  2. This is a very funny post Craig!!You certainly have the lane specifications correct…esp the “trucker lane”….I have on many occassion seen the truckers driving in the 3rd lane and get a little irritated….they are passing each other from 2nd to 3rd) going waaaayyyy over the 70 mph speed limit……and you admiting using the carpool lane without a dummy!! That takes guts! I have “thought” about it…you know, the “they’ll never see me” attitude, however, my conscience gets the best of me….My biggest concern are the motorcyclists who drive FAST in between the 3rd and carpool lanes…..they just are all of a sudden….THERE!!!!! FLYING BY!!!!!!! no warning, no lights, no bells or whistles….I am surprised that more of them aren’t killed right on the spot……very dangerous:/

  3. As a former California resident..now when I visit LA…I GO LIKE HELL TO GET IN THE CAR-POOL LANE..AND STAY THERE. And I’m still scared. 80 MPH just seems a little fast. In Prescott you get a ticket at 40 MPH….but you keep your sanity.

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